| it's a lot harder being a sage than a chain smoker |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|01:57 am] |
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| | jennifer diane lewis | ] |
at the onset of this initial entry i've been awake for 18 hours and running on a mere three hours of rest from the previous night (complete with rousing games of Guess Who). i knew one day something inside me would gather the nerve to get these fingertips tip tap typing along these keys. my writing doesn't lend itself to well-formed arguments or sticking to an overall larger theme; i tend to let my thoughts direct themselves. although most of the time i'll just sit here for hours, thinking of the best words to use, knowing full-well that i won't be satisfied with anything i write. so, yes, this will be somewhat tangential but highly reflective for myself. i also have a shitty fucking vocabulary (dictionary.com rests in the adjacent tab).
so, as i was saying, something inside me was jolted as i read entry after entry that i and my friends had written. one person's blog stood out in particular. i don't know what it was about it. it was less about the entries and more about how i related to this person, and how much i really didn't know about them. then it hit me, we're growing up. but how come i don't feel like it? how come i still feel constantly stuck in those awkward teenage years? part of me knows that i haven't quite given up on those days. i don't feel bad about it. those were good times. but i think the core of the matter is that i don't want to grow up. not too fast anyway.
lately i've taken to stepping away from the world, taking myself out of it, and OBSERVING. what i found is that i don't like how we've evolved as people. i can't stand the amount of stress and worry we put ourselves through. i can't stand the lying. i can't stand the social norms we've come to accept. i can't stand having to go through college to get a degree for a shitty job that i don't want. we've limited ourselves so much. free? i certainly don't feel like it. then i think, "what if i was born somewhere else? had different parents, different friends. went to a different school. etc..." could it really have been any better? or worse? probably not. and it makes me angry. and sad.
money rules everything, and my father is the spitting example. everything's a dollar, a cent, a check, a debt. even me, and too often i'm reminded of that. i'm burdened by a family i didn't choose and (i'm ashamed to say) don't want. but for some fucked up reason i have far too much respect for my parents to abandon them. i couldn't live with myself knowing i broke my mother's heart because i've decided to skip town, not tell a soul, and never look back. i owe her more than that. i love my mother. can't say i feel the same for my father, but that deserves a discussion.
what i'm really trying to get at is that i'm not happy. and i haven't been for a long time. sure i have some fun and laugh and smile, but ultimately, there's not much in my life i feel worth caring about. i've become apathetic and have nothing to show for it. i've dissolved into nothing. i have zero motivation and merely go through the motions it seems. which is probably why i'm extremely anxious about graduating. what motions do i go through now? i don't know. and i'm clearly not too keen on my options (or the consequences of them). so what do i do? i really don't know.
i like my friends. they're all good people, even if sometimes i feel like i can't relate because i'm on some other plane. there are times, though, when i honestly can't stand them and a wave of hopeless loneliness washes over me. not only am i unhappy, i'm miserably lonely. i'm extremely awkward. i can't meet new people. i always feel like i have nothing to say. but when asked the right questions i might go off like a hummingbird. not lately it seems. i've never had a girlfriend. i've never dated anyone. i've never been on a god damned date. most of the time i could care less. eventually the time will come, and i KNOW this. i can FEEL it, lurking deep out there in the world. but that's not even the half of it.
i can feel all of this potential bubbling deep within me. there's something special waiting out there for me. a person, a calling, a new identity for me to find. which means there's no way i could kill myself. yeah, i've thought about doing it. not seriously. but come on, who hasn't wondered at least once what it would be like if you had done it? but i certainly believe that i don't have it within me to pull it off. not now anyway. not til i find what i need. and that's a promise for all of you i might have just worried. it's just so hard waiting here for what i need, having to take care of all of this bullshit before i can go off and discover it. i just want to live my life the way that i see fit. the way nobody could convince me that i'm wrong. the sad thing is, i think the only way i'll be able to do that is to strand myself away from everything.
my dreams are muddled in prophecy. they're trying to tell me something that i'm missing, but i can never remember what it is they say. they float through this cosmic air, eventually finding their way into my sleep. and during that sleep, these dreams are fantastic. good or bad, there's so much FEELING in them; something very pure. maybe that's why i enjoy sleeping so much, even if i don't feel rested at all. but the moment i wake up, those pristine and primal feelings are lost, and i'm stuck in this world that i don't feel much of anything for.
what it really comes down to is that i don't have anything to REALLY and HONESTLY care for in this world. sure, i have little things here and there. little pleasures to help guide me through these times of existential crises. i'm just striving for those moments that feel true and good. and i never want them to end. i want to be surrounded by them. but lately they've been lacking. there's something seriously wrong. with me, the world, everything i guess. we've lost our harmony and we've got to find it again. so i guess i'll use my time wisely from now on. or at least try to.
all i really need is a little jenny lewis to help me get through the rough patches of road.
so i could be happy, happy.
oh so happy, happy. |
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